Sometimes I'm Confused By What I Think Is Really Obvious. But What I Think Is Really Obvious, Obviously Isn't Obvious.

Confusion. I suffer from a serious case of confusion. Normally my hunches are spot on, i can predict what will happen and more than half the time, im right. I can predict what relationships will happen and when. I can tell when a guy likes a girl. But thats for everyone else. Not ever really for me. Its hard for me to read myself. Today espically.
I was sitting outside near the entrance of the art gallery at school with Alex and Anna. Nearly the entire jr. high was in the theater, one building over, in musical practice. It was lunch and Kelsey needed to go spend time with Mia (and ex-friend of mine, but Kelsey is still friends with her)so i decided to spend lunch with Alex and Anna. I've known them for almost 10 years (no joke) and we've always been SUPER close. So as we sat outside, the hot sun beating down on us and a slight breeze tousling our hair about our faces, we talk. We catch up, make jokes, have good laughs and eat each others food. Then Kelsey walks down the sidewalk thing towards us. Mia was at musical practice so that meant that Kelsey would be able to have lunch with us. Yay. But then i started noticing that he was constantly walking up and down the little sidewalk thing. That he kept going to the basketball court then to the art gallery then back again, until one time he came out of the art gallery and walked around us and headed towards the green, which was right next to us. He was throwing a baseball with John Michael, a 7th grader and then i lost sight of him, but found him again quickly.
Joshua was laying down on the green next to Shelby. They were chatting. Raianna was talking to them, probably saying how cute they where together and they where probably eating that shit up. Anyway, i noticed them while throwing away my water bottle in the recycling bin (like the good samaratin i am). When Kelsey and i where walking back to class in the last 5 minutes of lunch she was walking on the right side of me so that means that in order to face her i would be facing the green. Which means i would be facing Joshua. I think he saw me looking. He always seems to be looking at me now whenever i seem to look at them.
Is this the voice of a jealous person talking to you tonight? Do i really like him? Well even if i do, school is almost up. He had a whole year. And next year in highschool he's going to be even closer to her so im the one who ends up lucked out.Yet again.
It seems to happen alot, huh?

It's Easy To Cry When You Realize That Everyone You Love Will Reject You Or Die

Thats exactly how i feel today because my bird died today. I've had her for about 6 years, maybe more. She was a blue parakeet. Her name was Honey. Sadness...
I hop into the car. The long school day is now far behind me and my mind is elated with the idea of knowing that i only have homework from 3 subjects tonight. Kelsey is sitting next to me. Her lavender-esque shirt is burning my retinas in the bright, afternoon sunlight. My mom and i are giving her a ride home and so i sit with her in the back because i find it odd when you sit up front and your guest/friend sits in the back. Its awkward. Anyway as we are pulling into her driveway and letting her out i notice that i had been sitting on a wet spot in the back of the car. A water bottle had exploded and i didn't realize. Great, now my shorts where soaking wet. Its like the most uncomfortable thing in the world, sitting with wet clothes. As she got out, she thanked my mother and walked up her long driveway to her house and i moved up to the front seat, hitting my shin on the protruding cupholder. As i buckle myself in (click it or ticket!)my mom starts pulling out of Kelsey's driveway and is heading for the exit from her neighborhood. As she is looking to the left to make a right turn out of the neighborhood she says, "Violet, i have some sad news. And i dont want you to get too upset because we knew it was going to happen soon anyway." All of the sudden my mind thinks of everyone i know who could fall under the category of soon to be dead. My grandfather, although my mom had told me that he was doing extremly well for his age. Our family friend who has parkinsons disease. She wasn't doing too well. I thought it was someone who was important to me but somehow i just couldn't think of who it could possibly be. "The bird died" she said. "What?" i say. I was perplexed. Hoping that i had heard it wrong. "Yeah" my mom said, quielty.
Tears come. Rushing down my face and making my green eyes burn. They come out like a vigerous storm making my whole body shake and making my cheeks searing hot. I start crying. Thinking about how its almost been a year since Shadow died. Now Honey. Then i start to think, well what if this means that Lillian and Stella will drop dead soon? What if they get hit by a car or run away and i never see them again or they get cancer like Shabby. Then i think about people. How one day we're all going to be dead. I get scared when i think about death. Really legitimatly scared.
When i get home i lie down on the floor next to Stella, crying into her long blonde fur, with Lillian rubbing her little face against my neck, trying to snuggle in. I get up from the floor after Stella walks away and i go into the kitchen where Honey's cage was suspended from the ceiling. It wasn't there.
And while looking at the empty space of what was, i didn't even notice that my shorts where still wet.

To Sit Alone With My Conscience Will Be Judgment Enough For Me

My my has it been a long time. I really am sorry. I just dont have anything important to write about anymore. Im a dry well. I have no new fountain of information to spew. Although, i do have some feelings to share about Joshua and Samson.
Lets start with Samson. Recently he has been talking to me more and more over IM like he did when he liked me. But the thing is, is that since we haven't really talked in a while its kinda awkward but i dont know, he's just been more talkative. I dont have to drag out the yes's and no's from him. I dont have to ask him question after question to have a simple conversation. Hell, he talks more than i do! So after we had been chatting for a bit, i consulted Kelsey. Her theory is that he never stopped liking me and that he just likes me even more now and i dont believe that. The reason: Because you cant just always like someone a little bit. Either you like someone or you dont! So i dont know. Its confusing and annoying and slightly frustrating because: I was there the whole time. He knew how to contact me to talk, he knew where my class is he knew everything. And he didn't use that knowledge. Meaning when he liked me he pasted himself to the hallway walls to avoid passing me in the hall. He would walk the other way and avoid me at all costs at school. But he could have asked me out. He could have talked to me. But he didnt. And as much as it hurt to find out that he no longer cared for me (i REALLY liked him. My first major crush/liking someone)i got over him eventually. And now if he does like me again, it sucks because its kind of too late, you know? Like i was there all along and he didn't bother and now hes interested and im not "available" for him anymore. But another thing is that i think i still might like him. But i told Kelsey that i didnt and that i was over him and everything so i dont know if i can tell her oh just kidding,i do still like him. Sigh. boys boys boys. They make your head spin sometimes.
Ok, now to talk about Joshua. He's going out with Shelby Norman, a chick in the highschool (she's in 9th grade) and my question is how did they know about each other? Apprently they've been dating for like nearly 2 months so i dont know. I thought that something was up yesterday while walking to art with Kelsey i saw them sitting on the brick wall and she was doodle-bopping all over his arm. And today he like spent the entire time over there with her. I just kind of found it weird. I dont know why. Maybe im jealous or something but i really dont know. And not to hate on Shelby or anything, but i think that she's just sort of playing him. She's done it to a lot of guys so i dont really know. Maybe the reason why im kinda feeling weird about this is because maybe i like him. I think i did like him at some point and maybe it never went away but maybe i dont. Who knows with my head?
Anywho, i have to go start my homework. And watch SNL. And the office. And do a bunch of other shit.
So pip pip cheerio for now!
xoxo