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There's no other way of saying this...

I'm moving my shit to TUMBLR!
its waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better and funner and yeah. i'll still keep this account incase something doesn't work out. But here's hoping. Its all set up and running so the address is: just kidding. i keep changing it so ill let you know asap
ill move all of my stuff to there so dont worry about that and yeah.
wow is sounds like im in a relationship or something. like im moving in with a boyfriend.
why must boys be in everything?
anywho yeah. ch-ch-check it out ASAP PLEASE!!!!!!!!!! and tell your friends to read my stuff. just kidding. you dont have to. its just that i only have one follower and i know i have another person who reads this shit and who knows if other people read it and just dont follow, idk. i just feel sorta pathetic.

For Some Moments In Life, There Are No Words

So, again, i haven't been on here in a while and the weird thing is, with what im about to write and what you're about to scroll down to, has so much to do with my post about my bird. Quoting myself: "...well what if this means that Lillian and Stella will drop dead soon?"
On Saturday, May 1st, 2010, i had to put my cat, Lillian (lily) down. Unexpectedly. Here's why:
So on Saturday, i woke up and Lily came into my room, crying her annoying little cry, and so i just walked out of my room and went downstairs to check my email and when i came back upstairs, i saw her laying infront of the fireplace, all sprawled out, with her tounge sticking out and drooling. I fell onto the ground next to her and saw that she had a compleatly glazed over look on her face, her eyes wouldn't even focus. So i ran into the kitchen, grabbed a paper towel and started wiping her mouth and then i brought her some water and tried to get her to drink it but she would't (She's always so stubborn) Then i saw that her breathing was really shallow and since my dad was sleeping, and my mom was out shopping for food, i just decided to call her. She would know what to do. So i call her, and when she finally picks up, im already in shambles. I say "Mom, something is wrong with Lily" (then i proceed to list the above observations) and then she says that she's on her way.
When she comes home she runs over and see's Lily has moved over to the corner near the thing that holds the TV and pictures and junk and the basement door. She asked me to find the number of the animal hospital that she goes to while she drives home but the animal hospital was closed. So then we had to find another local one and we got the number and said that we where coming in with an emergency and they said that they would be waiting there for us. Then we got Lily into her orange cat pillow (for real its shaped like a cat, complete with wiskers and a tail) and we jumped in the car. All the while her lifeless body wasn't even supporting her little head so i had to do it for her. All the drive there, i saw so much road kill. I knew it was an omen. Now normally i dont believe that kind of shit but this time it was real. And earlier when i was on the floor with her, it came into my head, the idea that i would have to put her down today. I dont know how/why it did but it just flashed into my mind. So when we got there, they stuck us into a room and the doctor came in a checked her (she was Irish, i liked her voice) and said that she wanted to do some xrays so we let her. By now my mom and i were both swimming in our tears. When she came back, Lily was no where to be seen. The look on the doctors face was expressionless. She came in with the xrays and showed us what was going on in that little fuzzballs body.
Long story short, something had burst inside of her that allowed air to come in around her lungs but not actually in her lungs where they should be. So since there was air around her lungs, her actual lungs couldn't expand to let air in, leaving her incapeable of breathing. The doctor said that it can happen very suddenly and that was obviously the case here. Then she said, thats the only diagnosis that i can give you, and i dont even know if its right (but it was, we found out later) and they could take out the air but they dont know if it could even fix her or if it might come back. And she said that Lily was really scared and uncomfortable and she showed us how much it would cost to do the air reliefe thing and it was VERY expensive so we had no other choice, but to make her happy and put her down.
We said goodbye one last time, my mom and i both a complete mess. Then the nurse walked off with her and i'll never see her again.
By then my black tanktop was covered in her hair and we exited the office, having nurses with frowney faces looking at our red, puffy ones. And i was holding the pillow that was full with a living, breathing, animal. An animal that i loved so much more than i could ever explain.
Later that day i had a soccer game, we won 4-0.
I also went to Nathan's party, to get my mind off of it all. It was fun too. But i was still sad.
Afterwards i went over to Kelsey's house, we stayed up until 5 in the morning and watched saturday night live. I felt like shit for leaving my mom at home alone, probably crying her guts out. Can't blame her, Lily meant everything to her. She was her favorite.
So right now i dont even know how to end this. Im crying like a baby, i cried myself to sleep last night, thats why i was so out of it/weird today. Im still wallowing. I wont get over it anytime soon, knowing me. Im just even more upset with the fact that my other cat Shadow died on May 15th 2009, almost a year ago. We had 4 pets on May 14th, 2009. 3 on May 15th, 2009, 2 on April 15th, 2010, and now 1, present day. It just makes me scared for my Stella girl. How we can go from 4 pets to 1 in less than a year. Its scary.
P.s - i never put my black tanktop with Lily's hair on it in the washer. And i dont plan on it, either.

Sometimes I'm Confused By What I Think Is Really Obvious. But What I Think Is Really Obvious, Obviously Isn't Obvious.

Confusion. I suffer from a serious case of confusion. Normally my hunches are spot on, i can predict what will happen and more than half the time, im right. I can predict what relationships will happen and when. I can tell when a guy likes a girl. But thats for everyone else. Not ever really for me. Its hard for me to read myself. Today espically.
I was sitting outside near the entrance of the art gallery at school with Alex and Anna. Nearly the entire jr. high was in the theater, one building over, in musical practice. It was lunch and Kelsey needed to go spend time with Mia (and ex-friend of mine, but Kelsey is still friends with her)so i decided to spend lunch with Alex and Anna. I've known them for almost 10 years (no joke) and we've always been SUPER close. So as we sat outside, the hot sun beating down on us and a slight breeze tousling our hair about our faces, we talk. We catch up, make jokes, have good laughs and eat each others food. Then Kelsey walks down the sidewalk thing towards us. Mia was at musical practice so that meant that Kelsey would be able to have lunch with us. Yay. But then i started noticing that he was constantly walking up and down the little sidewalk thing. That he kept going to the basketball court then to the art gallery then back again, until one time he came out of the art gallery and walked around us and headed towards the green, which was right next to us. He was throwing a baseball with John Michael, a 7th grader and then i lost sight of him, but found him again quickly.
Joshua was laying down on the green next to Shelby. They were chatting. Raianna was talking to them, probably saying how cute they where together and they where probably eating that shit up. Anyway, i noticed them while throwing away my water bottle in the recycling bin (like the good samaratin i am). When Kelsey and i where walking back to class in the last 5 minutes of lunch she was walking on the right side of me so that means that in order to face her i would be facing the green. Which means i would be facing Joshua. I think he saw me looking. He always seems to be looking at me now whenever i seem to look at them.
Is this the voice of a jealous person talking to you tonight? Do i really like him? Well even if i do, school is almost up. He had a whole year. And next year in highschool he's going to be even closer to her so im the one who ends up lucked out.Yet again.
It seems to happen alot, huh?

It's Easy To Cry When You Realize That Everyone You Love Will Reject You Or Die

Thats exactly how i feel today because my bird died today. I've had her for about 6 years, maybe more. She was a blue parakeet. Her name was Honey. Sadness...
I hop into the car. The long school day is now far behind me and my mind is elated with the idea of knowing that i only have homework from 3 subjects tonight. Kelsey is sitting next to me. Her lavender-esque shirt is burning my retinas in the bright, afternoon sunlight. My mom and i are giving her a ride home and so i sit with her in the back because i find it odd when you sit up front and your guest/friend sits in the back. Its awkward. Anyway as we are pulling into her driveway and letting her out i notice that i had been sitting on a wet spot in the back of the car. A water bottle had exploded and i didn't realize. Great, now my shorts where soaking wet. Its like the most uncomfortable thing in the world, sitting with wet clothes. As she got out, she thanked my mother and walked up her long driveway to her house and i moved up to the front seat, hitting my shin on the protruding cupholder. As i buckle myself in (click it or ticket!)my mom starts pulling out of Kelsey's driveway and is heading for the exit from her neighborhood. As she is looking to the left to make a right turn out of the neighborhood she says, "Violet, i have some sad news. And i dont want you to get too upset because we knew it was going to happen soon anyway." All of the sudden my mind thinks of everyone i know who could fall under the category of soon to be dead. My grandfather, although my mom had told me that he was doing extremly well for his age. Our family friend who has parkinsons disease. She wasn't doing too well. I thought it was someone who was important to me but somehow i just couldn't think of who it could possibly be. "The bird died" she said. "What?" i say. I was perplexed. Hoping that i had heard it wrong. "Yeah" my mom said, quielty.
Tears come. Rushing down my face and making my green eyes burn. They come out like a vigerous storm making my whole body shake and making my cheeks searing hot. I start crying. Thinking about how its almost been a year since Shadow died. Now Honey. Then i start to think, well what if this means that Lillian and Stella will drop dead soon? What if they get hit by a car or run away and i never see them again or they get cancer like Shabby. Then i think about people. How one day we're all going to be dead. I get scared when i think about death. Really legitimatly scared.
When i get home i lie down on the floor next to Stella, crying into her long blonde fur, with Lillian rubbing her little face against my neck, trying to snuggle in. I get up from the floor after Stella walks away and i go into the kitchen where Honey's cage was suspended from the ceiling. It wasn't there.
And while looking at the empty space of what was, i didn't even notice that my shorts where still wet.

To Sit Alone With My Conscience Will Be Judgment Enough For Me

My my has it been a long time. I really am sorry. I just dont have anything important to write about anymore. Im a dry well. I have no new fountain of information to spew. Although, i do have some feelings to share about Joshua and Samson.
Lets start with Samson. Recently he has been talking to me more and more over IM like he did when he liked me. But the thing is, is that since we haven't really talked in a while its kinda awkward but i dont know, he's just been more talkative. I dont have to drag out the yes's and no's from him. I dont have to ask him question after question to have a simple conversation. Hell, he talks more than i do! So after we had been chatting for a bit, i consulted Kelsey. Her theory is that he never stopped liking me and that he just likes me even more now and i dont believe that. The reason: Because you cant just always like someone a little bit. Either you like someone or you dont! So i dont know. Its confusing and annoying and slightly frustrating because: I was there the whole time. He knew how to contact me to talk, he knew where my class is he knew everything. And he didn't use that knowledge. Meaning when he liked me he pasted himself to the hallway walls to avoid passing me in the hall. He would walk the other way and avoid me at all costs at school. But he could have asked me out. He could have talked to me. But he didnt. And as much as it hurt to find out that he no longer cared for me (i REALLY liked him. My first major crush/liking someone)i got over him eventually. And now if he does like me again, it sucks because its kind of too late, you know? Like i was there all along and he didn't bother and now hes interested and im not "available" for him anymore. But another thing is that i think i still might like him. But i told Kelsey that i didnt and that i was over him and everything so i dont know if i can tell her oh just kidding,i do still like him. Sigh. boys boys boys. They make your head spin sometimes.
Ok, now to talk about Joshua. He's going out with Shelby Norman, a chick in the highschool (she's in 9th grade) and my question is how did they know about each other? Apprently they've been dating for like nearly 2 months so i dont know. I thought that something was up yesterday while walking to art with Kelsey i saw them sitting on the brick wall and she was doodle-bopping all over his arm. And today he like spent the entire time over there with her. I just kind of found it weird. I dont know why. Maybe im jealous or something but i really dont know. And not to hate on Shelby or anything, but i think that she's just sort of playing him. She's done it to a lot of guys so i dont really know. Maybe the reason why im kinda feeling weird about this is because maybe i like him. I think i did like him at some point and maybe it never went away but maybe i dont. Who knows with my head?
Anywho, i have to go start my homework. And watch SNL. And the office. And do a bunch of other shit.
So pip pip cheerio for now!
xoxo

Learn To Pause... Or Nothing Worthwhile Will Catch Up To You

Its been 8 days since my last post. Damn it. I told myself that i would post stuff on this thing everyday. Well too late now. Anyway i have nothing new to say really. Nothing exciting happens anymore. Hailey is still annoying. I had some problems with Kelsey. (its all better now i suppose) Regina is getting more and more snarky and snappy everyday. The other day Mia told her that she should sing for our talent show thing so we can raise money for finanical aid for our school and she was like no and got all up in Mia's biz about it and was like yelling and i thought that she was about to hit someone. I mean shes good! No good doesn't cover it. She's AMAZING at singing and she knows it so i dont know why she would get to snarky about it. She's been singing infront of over 100 people since she was 11! and there's only going to be like 40 people there. Maybe. Whatever. Personally i think that Hailey is spreading her disease on her. Thats just my own personal conspiracy theory though... *sigh* Taylor is having some friend trouble and i feel bad for her because she always has problems with her friends. I dont know why she even wastes her time on them. She can do MUCH MUCH better than those shitty people. They suck and i dont like them. Riley, of course, is drifting but i dont even care anymore. Her problem. Ive wasted too much time on making her happy and all she does is just brush it off so whatever to her. And MaryKate. Well im about to pop her head off right now. We have feild day coming up and shes captain for basketball and all she does is complain about how she doesn't even know the rules and then whenever someone offers to take over for her shes all like "oh no its fine i'll do it." and its like what the fuck? and then she just goes off and says how all the girls should go out and by the pink nike shorts that everyone in the world has and they're not exactly the cheapest things in the world either for everyone to get!!!! And i always have really good snackies so i share with anyone who wants any and shes ALWAYS taking my food and taking it by the handfuls too!!!!!! and then the second i ask for a piece of gum she gets all in a tiff and is like "no i only have one piece left"(she's lying everytime she says it) and then she goes and gives it to Carly and they munch all day!! she is SUCH a moocher!!!!!! Taylor gives everyone her gum all the time!! She opens a new pack and shes done with it by the end of handing it out to everyone. She SHARES like the rest of us. And today when i had gum that was really good might i add, i said "oh no i only have one piece left" and she was like :( with her face and her and Carly were like "oh we'll split it" and i was like "UH NO! i have ONE piece left and its for ME because i got it yesterday!" and they just gave me a weird look and walked off. Like are you shitting me??????? Of course i was lying but with good reason!!
And really its not even the gum that bothers me its just the fact that she just expects everyone to give her everything and then once someone asks for something in return she just shuts them out saying she "paid them back already" and shit like that. Its unbelievable!
How in the hell does Carly put up with it??
Can you tell im in a crappy mood?
That obvious?
Anywho...today was rainy day carpool and my mom was running late so i went into aftercare and then i left after like 10 minutes and then later Mia texted me saying Joshua had a lisp. and i was like "whaaa??" and she said yeah. And then i thought: "well hey, thats weird, Samson has a small lisp too!" so then we came to the conclusion that i am somehow attracted to lisps.
Thats all for now.
Im going to watch the office and eat ice cream now.
Pip pip cheerio
V

All The World Is Birthday Cake, So Take A Piece, But Not Too Much

Today is my birthday. Im 14 and i feel 40. Its just all so weird to me that ive lived and breathed and been a part of the human race for 1 2/5 of a decade. CRAZY!!! Anywho, it snowed today on my birthday and my math teacher Sandy let us go out and run around in it for like 10 minutes but it was really wet and cold so we just kinda went inside after like 2 minutes. And another thing that happened today was that pretty much all of my friends did something for me. Except for Riley. Well i didn't really expect anything from her because we're not really besties or anything but i dont know. I just found it kinda weird. Kelsey was the most generous today though. She made me a GIANT chocolate chip pancake, (not nessecarily to be eaten but it has sentimental value. but thats another story for another day...) she made me a batch of red velvet cupcakes, and chocolate chip cookies (which were extra crispy (just the way i like them!!)) and she made me a GIANT poster as a card. Mia made me a cute little sign for my locker along with Regina, Hailey and Carly. Hailey made me brownies, and Carly made me cookies. Taylor made me brownies and MaryKate did too. So there was some serious food overload (if there is such thing!) but i just felt really special today. Not just because it was my birthday, and the fact that nothing can go wrong on birthdays but just seeing how everyone gave me something or made something for me and ran up to me in the hallway and gave me big bear hugs, and even having the people who i dont hang out with ever or even make small talk to say happy birthday was just so heartwarming. I dont think anyone exactly knew how much my thank you's meant.
If you were to ask me if i thought i was popular, i would say no. If you were to ask me if i thought everyone knew me enough to say hi to me, i would say ehh, maybe. If you were to ask me if i thought people from other classes whom im not friends with at all would tell me happy birthday i would say never. I get by with people at school. I have my super close friends, i have my other close friends, i have aquaintances friends and i have people who are just there. I feel like i just blend in. Im not really one to go out and make friends randomly. I go to a small school. The people who i went to kindergarten with are the ones that are still with me in my classes and are the ones who are going to be standning next to me on the graduation podium. I GET BY. Im a social person (at least i like to think so) and i dont mind being nice to people. Its just the fact that i felt so popular today and i felt like a movie star. I felt like nothing could stop me. And nothing did. I got a 100 on my math test. I got the highest grade in my entire lit class on my lit quiz. I was handing out baked goods like freaking Willy Wonka! I just felt so bright and happy and special and this is one birthday that i wont forget.
Ever.

Defer No Time, Delays Have Dangerous Ends

My god has it really been 6 days that ive missed out on writing??? I know i just posted something but thats been sitting in my drafts for quite sometime. Anywho... updates updates updates:
Joshua did not come to the valentines day dance (praise jesus, mary and joseph!!!) neither did Samson (another praise jesus, mary and joseph!!!) and so that was all good though. But something else did happen:
It was a pretty crappy dance, not very many people and i felt VERY over-dressed but whatever. Anyway... a kid in my class Nathan (who is a TOTAL sweetie pie and just a really nice guy, he's like the only one who has manners and isnt perverted. (whoo whoo!) and i love him but not like THAT!) well he gave me a rose. A deep red rose that was all pretty and nice and he gave it to me which means that he likes me because you dont just randomly hand out roses to girls, werid!! Anywho he gave it to me kind of sheepishly, i guess he was just sort of embarrassed or nervous or something but he gave one to me and but i saw that he had another one in his hand and at first i thought that he and Ike (his bff) were handing them out to all of the girls in our class but Kelsey didn't get one and neither did Mia. So i wonder who the other one was given to... hmm....
But then once i got thirsty (keep in mind this is still at the dance) i went over to the table with the drinks (he and Ike are on dance committee so they have to man it) and Ike saw me holding the rose and he points to it and goes "Nice rose" and im just like "Thanks" and then he gives me my drink and he gives Kelsey a drink and we're just standing there sipping away about a foot from the table and Nathan comes up to stand next to Ike and then Ike leans over to him and says "She still has your flower" and he points to me. Well im in plain view of him and im not blind either so i see and im like "What?" meaning why are you pointing at me? and he just points to my flower and looks at Nathan and then i just sort of shrug and smile awkwardly. I dont know it was just SUPER weird.
But then once i got home i left the rose on my white dresser and i went to bed. I was tired and my legs hurt and i just wanted to go to sleep. Then like yesterday, NO MONDAY i checked my email and i saw one from him having the subject as "Hey". I proceed to open it. And it says "Whats up?" i respond nicely saying "oh nothing much just chilling. You?" and he says "Same. Did you have fun at the dance?" WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT???????????? so i wrote back "Yeah it was ok. It wasn't the best but it was alright. It could have been better if there had been more people." No response yet but i'll let you guys know. But i think that the only reason he's emailing me is because he likes me and also because i email his friend Cole A LOT!! like we're in the 300's. And i dont know maybe he's jealous and he wants us to have that or whatever. I dont know!!!! Im SO confused!!!!! I mean i like him but not like that. I think he's SUPER nice and sweet and everyone thinks that too but i just dont like him in the same way that he might like me and i really hate breaking hearts and i dont think i could stand breaking his but what am i supposed to do???? Lead him on?? NO WAY JOSE!!!!!
Let me know what YOU think...

P.S - Oh and this week is winter break in my school and that means that i have thursday and friday off and all of the weekend to fill with shannanigans. But the thing is Kelsey is kidnapping me to Florida for the weekend and im going over to her house tomorrow and then thursday morning we leave bright and early so im going to be without computer access let alone BLOG access so i'll try to let you guys know how the trip went and any new updates on my life on Monday. Sorry!!
Love you all! Muh Muh!! (<-- those were smooches btw)

When You Find An Annoying Person With Paper Cuts...

You break someones heart. Thats what she did. Hailey broke Jacobs heart and she doesn't even give a shit about it. Mia told me that she did it over email or something and i just thought that was mean. She'd already been stringing him along for a while now and he really did care about her! She should at least have the decency to break up with him in person. But alas, that would only happen in an imaginary world. *sigh*
I just feel bad for Mia now. Hailey is already super flirtatious and she just doesn't understand that its irritating and its not right. She broke Jacobs heart and then Mia proceeded to tell me that he was SUPER sad and really depressed and whatnot so i dont know... I guess he's better now but who knows? He might just be trying to hide it. But i just feel bad for him because he really liked her and she doesn't even give a shit. He tries to still be friends with her but shes not having it!!!!!!!!!! She's just being rude and inconsiderate to him and i think thats just mean. If i was her, i would still try to be friends with my ex-boyfriend. Because he was her FRIEND FIRST. priorities, priorities.... tsk tsk tsk
Oh and since when does Nicky, (the cool kid thats actually a total douche bag but hey, thats just me. He was on and off with Alex Clarke for like 6 years even though hes only like 12. Still Alex gave him a status and i guess he just kissed it good-bye) hang out with Hailey, Frances, Lorato, Jacob, and all of those other people???????

If Life Gives You A Bowl Of Lemons, Go Find An Annoying Guy With Paper Cuts

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Thats all i can say right now. SHE IS SOOOOOOOO ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is Hailey we're talking about. She drives me up a freaking wall!! She's just un-describable. I have no words to explain her.
But here's the thing: As much as i want to be her friend and be nice to her (which i can honsetly say, i am TRYING to be nice to her, but its REALLY hard...) I cant be friends with someone who treats my other friends like crap, flirts around with other boys that have girlfriends while she herself has a boyfriend, and is really mis-understanding and thinking that the world and everyone in it is up against her!
Her boyfriend, Jacob, is such a sweetheart to her!! Last friday for valentines day, he got her a box of Godvia chocolates! GODIVA!!! Even though he is in 7th grade and she's in 8th, still, i think that it was sweet. But i feel bad for him because shes always flirting around with other boys and is quite suggestive about it too.
Ugh so much to say so little time....
I cant say it all now, but tomorrrow or something, ill try to tell you more.
Good-bye for now. Homework is calling me............

You Can Observe A Lot Just By Watching

I know that this sounds creepy. And no, im not a stalker or some kind of creeper or pedophile or anything like that. And no, im not involved with the law or the mob of Jehova's Witnesses or anything like that either. IM THE ONE BEING WATCHED. By who other than Joshua!! ding ding ding! You know, im sure he's not that creepy, he can just come off sa creepy because he's just so freakishly tall and he hangs his head down low, trying to look shorter. I think that he does that because everyone just see's his height, but i mean, its kinda hard to miss! He's probably 6'5 or something but all i know is that i come up to about 2 inches below his shoulders and im 5'7 personally. So you can kinda get a picture of how much of a mammoth this kid is. But ive never really talked to him...
FLASHBACK: it was like the second or third week of school (of this recent school year) and he was sitting on the long brick wall type thing for carpool (where we all are always) He was alone. He probably didn't have any friends yet but all i saw was that he was alone, basking in the sun, his black hair slightly frayed out, giving him a look like he had just run in the wind. I notice him first, squinting my eyes to avoid burnt retinas and i spot him. Im waiting for my mother to pick me up and im standing with MaryKate. I say, "Poor kid, he must be kind of out of his element. Should we go talk with him?" MaryKate agrees and the next thing you know im sitting about 6 inches away from him which MaryKate is leaning against a small waist-high lamp light thing. We make small talk: Which class are you in? What sports do you play? How do you like it here so far? (He's new) After the interrogation, our rides are here and we leave him, sitting there to recolect and think about the awkward conversation he had with some pretty off-thier-rocker girls.
And now ive noticed him looking at me. In the hallways whenever i pass by. When i come down the stairs to the commons and he's standing in the general square where the stairs, the hallway the commons and the water fountain/bathrooms/Paul's office is. I notice him. I glance at him because i know he's always looking, and i try to shrug it off. Its not like i can just walk up to him and be like "WHy ARE YOU STARING AT ME???????" and then just have him be like "Wha...???"
But here's another thing before i leave to do homework: One time it was raining outside. He plays basketball everyday on the court that is seen through the commons windows. But if its raining, they cant play outside so normally they just chill in the commons. So i can back from grabbing lunch with Kelsey, Mia, MaryKate and Carly (i think it was them...) and he's sitting in the commons back turned to me in the red chairs. His friends Johnathan and Nate are sitting on the red couch facing me and the door. As i return the sweatshirt to Chris (who gave it to me because i didn't have an umberella and i was wearing a dress) i take my lunch which Kelsey held for me while i stripped off the wet jacket, and all of the sudden Nate calls my name. I look over and he says - in front of EVERYONE in the commons, mind you - "HE LIKES YOU!!!!!" and he points to Joshua. My face goes blank, no emotion to cross it. I hate it when people do that to me. THEY ALWAYS DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS! But as im walking past the corner, i try to walk slow so that Joshua can turn around and say "Oh no thats not true, he's just kidding!" but he doesn't. All of the sudden his head just drops and im left there with a question thats still embeded in my mind right now writing this: Does that mean that he really likes me? I mean, if he didn't he would have said so when Nate yelled that out but he didn't. Is that why he watches me whenever im around?
I want answers, and i plan to get them on friday. Keep you posted...

The Shortest Distance Between New Friends Is A Smile

Lets talk about Chris tonight. He's my best guyfriend. We haven't known each other for very long - maybe about a year and a half so far - it feels like we've grown up together. He just gets it. I can just tell him anything thats on my mind and he gives me some great advice on how to deal with things or sometimes he just listens and lets me vent. He seriously is a great friend to confide in and since he doesn't seem to have many friends (which he told me he doesn't and he also said that he wasn't invited to many things) i can tell him anything and i know that the world wont know. I do feel bad for him sometimes though, he REALLY likes this girl, Emily, who, ya know, is okaay. Shes not GREAT, but i suppose shes good enough for him. Anyway, she kinda likes to flirt around with guys (one guy specifically: Ike (sorry Mia!!!)) and shes not exactly subtle about it. Anywho Chris REALLY likes her and i just feel bad because, ok heres the background story:
This friday is the valentines day dance at school. There are a fair amount of couples that will be going together but otherwise its just a plain old dance were you come and Oman is dj-ing and its just really fun. I love them. Anyway normally you would ask someone to the valentines day dance if you really liked them. Being asked to the dance is like a sign from the Universe saying THIS PERSON LIKES YOU VERY MUCH AND THEY WANT YOU TO JOIN THEM IN A NIGHT OF FRIVOLITY!
Back to Chris: He likes her and he wants to ask her. He's liked her for quite sometime now and although he knows that she'll turn him down (which she has done to not only him but to others too). Apperently someone told him that anyone who asked her, she would turn them down. Now i dont know if thats because she cant date yet or what but i mean its the dance!!! It's not like they're asking you to shave thier backs or something!!! I think that she could at least be nice to them and say no to GOING to the dance but say that she'll dance with them for snowball (the slow dancing portion of the night were Kelsey and I suddenly become pasted to the wall and very interested in our drinks...)
I think that he should just go find a new fish but hey, thats just me. I have no soul.
Well thats Chris's love life sped up to date. You'll hear more about him too, promise ;)

Vday = Dday

I hate valentines day. I dont think you understand, I HATE it!!!!!!! Its the worst day in the world. Its not even a real holiday!! But i probably would like it if i had a significant other (which i dont...sadly) and i could spend time with him and do valentines day stiff. I dont really know what you would do for your boyfriend on valentines day if you were 14 years old. Hmmm.........
Back to real-life:
Today i talked to Samson for the first time in a long time. We haven't talked in weeks. But here's the thing: We dont talk in person. Never have. Doubt we ever will. Actually, NEWS FLASH: we have talked. Over a year ago on Jekyll Island for a science feild-trip and the only reason was that he was in my group and we had to communicate for Jepordy. Oh and we also talked cuz we had the same sand and we had to figure out were it was from. Also at god-forsaken Jekyll Island. I hate that place as much as i hate valentines day.
Back to present day: We talked. Right now he's at dinner and he said he would be back, but we'll see about that. Hes notoriously known to randomly sign off. Back to how we talk. I know him. Its not like he's some dude i found on Facebook or off the web. I know him. Ive known him for some time now. We were in orchestra together for 3 years, 1 of which we actually knew each other existed. And i see him in the hallways and he was there the day it blizzard-ed. He was one of the boys i mentioned. But i used to like him. And he used to like me. I liked him for a long time and he liked me back for a long time but we never told each other. I just cant do stuff like that. The way i knew was my best friend since 4th grade Kelsey milked him. She texted him and asked him and he, being the silly boy he is, told her the truth, not knowing that i would be right there and that she would tell me. Just a couple weeks ago i was the one texting him! I pretended to be Kelsey and i asked him. What oculd i have done??? I NEEDED ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!
So i asked him. He said he liked me but he didn't know how much. He rated me from 1 to 5 (1 being hate and 5 being love)a 3. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE!!!!! God i hate it when he does that. But now i dont know if he likes me and i dont know if i like him or if i ever DID like him.
Im confused. Im uncertain. And im caught on what to do.
So this is the inbetween, huh?

A star shone at the hour of our meeting...

Good evening. Today i woke up at 8. I have no idea why. I just woke up and couldn't sleep!! Although i did stay up to watch the opening of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, i wasn't tired. But right now im pooped, i cleaned my room for 7 freaking hours today. Count 'em: not 1, not 2, not 3 or 4 or 5 or 6, but 7 hours of cleaning my room. And it wasn't even that messy!!!!!
Anyway, i must admit i did procrastinate some because i got bored. But it was good in a way because i was able to think of the people that are most present in my life and who i plan to blog about (in the nicest way i can muster...)
So here is everyone that your going to meet, if you keep reading onto my posts:
Violet - (me)
Kelsey
Taylor
Riley
MaryKate
Carly
Mia
Regina
Hailey

This is the group of my friends. I hang out with them a bunch and i love them all to death (except for a few...which i dont think that i love as much as others, to be honest)
But wait, it doesn't stop there!! In my last post i said that i was in a "not really a love triangle but caught inbetween them all"
The "them all" have names too, they are:
Chris
Joshua
Samson

And thats all for now, but tomorrow i think that i'll actually get into story-mode.
Night.
xoxo
V

Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough

It snowed today. Heaploads of it. It started to flurry a bit at school today, but i wasn't thinking it could become blizzardy in a matter of minutes. We had snowball fights galore, i got pegged in the face by my friend. Thanks hon. But although the burn of frozen water mixed with warm cheeks was feverishly present, i didn't think of it. I didn't care is more like it. It was just a mere reminder that i was in reality, no way out. I was taken away by the powdery consistency of the snow, that ultimate snowball making texture. But there were other things that i was distracted by. Him. Them. The 3 of them.
No its not like that. No love triangles at all. Gross. But i was sort of caught. I was held in a moment that i thought only existed in romantic comedies and twilight flavored books. It was priceless.
And as the snow came down, i looked at all three faces, wondering what could be seen. Looking for an answer as if it were just supposed to fall out of the sky like the flurries. I glanced at all of the faces, they looked back.
And as the snow fell, sticking to my eyelashes and their hoods and hats, the moment drifted away like tears in the rain.

WHO'S GOING TO DRESS GAGA???????

Alexander McQueen died today. Sad. I wonder what Gaga is going to do. I mean he DID make some AMAZING clothes just for her. Its not like she can just pick a new designer!!! He was ALEXANDER MCQUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!! There's no replacing for him. Only he could think of the things that he did.



On a less depressing note:
Project runway is tonight. I want Jesse to go home ASAP. He's just annoying.

And on yet another note:
Ive given some thought to this blog. Im going to talk about my friends in here so i figured i might need to give you and understanding of them. Let you know who/how they are. Quirks and kinks. The details. But i AM going to change their names so they dont kill me. I treasure my life for the most part, i dont want it taken from me by some angry, rabid, 14 year old monsters.

While i still ponder name replacements and get back into the drama of school (ive been sick for these past 2 days and have been chained to the couch and absolutely inseparable with the remote and bad reality TV) I will leave you with this: this is my life. No joke.

wowza

This is my first post. Ever. Well I never thought that I (of all people) would blog about my nearly 14 year old ordeals for anyone and everyone to read. I started this blog for some semi-weird reasons:

1. So that I could look back and see how crazy and phsyco my life really is/was

2. So I could try to see what it is i get caught up in and who I really am

3. Maybe someone important will read this and help me become more than I am.

But let me get something straight right now first time readers (if someone ever even reads this):

I REFUSE to wallow in my own self pity. People worry about me all the time. I'm fine. I'm happy with my life, although I could use some more self confidence. I wouldn't change anything, really.

I am who I am. A 14 year old teen. Caught in the inbetween.