Sometimes I'm Confused By What I Think Is Really Obvious. But What I Think Is Really Obvious, Obviously Isn't Obvious.

Confusion. I suffer from a serious case of confusion. Normally my hunches are spot on, i can predict what will happen and more than half the time, im right. I can predict what relationships will happen and when. I can tell when a guy likes a girl. But thats for everyone else. Not ever really for me. Its hard for me to read myself. Today espically.
I was sitting outside near the entrance of the art gallery at school with Alex and Anna. Nearly the entire jr. high was in the theater, one building over, in musical practice. It was lunch and Kelsey needed to go spend time with Mia (and ex-friend of mine, but Kelsey is still friends with her)so i decided to spend lunch with Alex and Anna. I've known them for almost 10 years (no joke) and we've always been SUPER close. So as we sat outside, the hot sun beating down on us and a slight breeze tousling our hair about our faces, we talk. We catch up, make jokes, have good laughs and eat each others food. Then Kelsey walks down the sidewalk thing towards us. Mia was at musical practice so that meant that Kelsey would be able to have lunch with us. Yay. But then i started noticing that he was constantly walking up and down the little sidewalk thing. That he kept going to the basketball court then to the art gallery then back again, until one time he came out of the art gallery and walked around us and headed towards the green, which was right next to us. He was throwing a baseball with John Michael, a 7th grader and then i lost sight of him, but found him again quickly.
Joshua was laying down on the green next to Shelby. They were chatting. Raianna was talking to them, probably saying how cute they where together and they where probably eating that shit up. Anyway, i noticed them while throwing away my water bottle in the recycling bin (like the good samaratin i am). When Kelsey and i where walking back to class in the last 5 minutes of lunch she was walking on the right side of me so that means that in order to face her i would be facing the green. Which means i would be facing Joshua. I think he saw me looking. He always seems to be looking at me now whenever i seem to look at them.
Is this the voice of a jealous person talking to you tonight? Do i really like him? Well even if i do, school is almost up. He had a whole year. And next year in highschool he's going to be even closer to her so im the one who ends up lucked out.Yet again.
It seems to happen alot, huh?

It's Easy To Cry When You Realize That Everyone You Love Will Reject You Or Die

Thats exactly how i feel today because my bird died today. I've had her for about 6 years, maybe more. She was a blue parakeet. Her name was Honey. Sadness...
I hop into the car. The long school day is now far behind me and my mind is elated with the idea of knowing that i only have homework from 3 subjects tonight. Kelsey is sitting next to me. Her lavender-esque shirt is burning my retinas in the bright, afternoon sunlight. My mom and i are giving her a ride home and so i sit with her in the back because i find it odd when you sit up front and your guest/friend sits in the back. Its awkward. Anyway as we are pulling into her driveway and letting her out i notice that i had been sitting on a wet spot in the back of the car. A water bottle had exploded and i didn't realize. Great, now my shorts where soaking wet. Its like the most uncomfortable thing in the world, sitting with wet clothes. As she got out, she thanked my mother and walked up her long driveway to her house and i moved up to the front seat, hitting my shin on the protruding cupholder. As i buckle myself in (click it or ticket!)my mom starts pulling out of Kelsey's driveway and is heading for the exit from her neighborhood. As she is looking to the left to make a right turn out of the neighborhood she says, "Violet, i have some sad news. And i dont want you to get too upset because we knew it was going to happen soon anyway." All of the sudden my mind thinks of everyone i know who could fall under the category of soon to be dead. My grandfather, although my mom had told me that he was doing extremly well for his age. Our family friend who has parkinsons disease. She wasn't doing too well. I thought it was someone who was important to me but somehow i just couldn't think of who it could possibly be. "The bird died" she said. "What?" i say. I was perplexed. Hoping that i had heard it wrong. "Yeah" my mom said, quielty.
Tears come. Rushing down my face and making my green eyes burn. They come out like a vigerous storm making my whole body shake and making my cheeks searing hot. I start crying. Thinking about how its almost been a year since Shadow died. Now Honey. Then i start to think, well what if this means that Lillian and Stella will drop dead soon? What if they get hit by a car or run away and i never see them again or they get cancer like Shabby. Then i think about people. How one day we're all going to be dead. I get scared when i think about death. Really legitimatly scared.
When i get home i lie down on the floor next to Stella, crying into her long blonde fur, with Lillian rubbing her little face against my neck, trying to snuggle in. I get up from the floor after Stella walks away and i go into the kitchen where Honey's cage was suspended from the ceiling. It wasn't there.
And while looking at the empty space of what was, i didn't even notice that my shorts where still wet.

To Sit Alone With My Conscience Will Be Judgment Enough For Me

My my has it been a long time. I really am sorry. I just dont have anything important to write about anymore. Im a dry well. I have no new fountain of information to spew. Although, i do have some feelings to share about Joshua and Samson.
Lets start with Samson. Recently he has been talking to me more and more over IM like he did when he liked me. But the thing is, is that since we haven't really talked in a while its kinda awkward but i dont know, he's just been more talkative. I dont have to drag out the yes's and no's from him. I dont have to ask him question after question to have a simple conversation. Hell, he talks more than i do! So after we had been chatting for a bit, i consulted Kelsey. Her theory is that he never stopped liking me and that he just likes me even more now and i dont believe that. The reason: Because you cant just always like someone a little bit. Either you like someone or you dont! So i dont know. Its confusing and annoying and slightly frustrating because: I was there the whole time. He knew how to contact me to talk, he knew where my class is he knew everything. And he didn't use that knowledge. Meaning when he liked me he pasted himself to the hallway walls to avoid passing me in the hall. He would walk the other way and avoid me at all costs at school. But he could have asked me out. He could have talked to me. But he didnt. And as much as it hurt to find out that he no longer cared for me (i REALLY liked him. My first major crush/liking someone)i got over him eventually. And now if he does like me again, it sucks because its kind of too late, you know? Like i was there all along and he didn't bother and now hes interested and im not "available" for him anymore. But another thing is that i think i still might like him. But i told Kelsey that i didnt and that i was over him and everything so i dont know if i can tell her oh just kidding,i do still like him. Sigh. boys boys boys. They make your head spin sometimes.
Ok, now to talk about Joshua. He's going out with Shelby Norman, a chick in the highschool (she's in 9th grade) and my question is how did they know about each other? Apprently they've been dating for like nearly 2 months so i dont know. I thought that something was up yesterday while walking to art with Kelsey i saw them sitting on the brick wall and she was doodle-bopping all over his arm. And today he like spent the entire time over there with her. I just kind of found it weird. I dont know why. Maybe im jealous or something but i really dont know. And not to hate on Shelby or anything, but i think that she's just sort of playing him. She's done it to a lot of guys so i dont really know. Maybe the reason why im kinda feeling weird about this is because maybe i like him. I think i did like him at some point and maybe it never went away but maybe i dont. Who knows with my head?
Anywho, i have to go start my homework. And watch SNL. And the office. And do a bunch of other shit.
So pip pip cheerio for now!
xoxo

Learn To Pause... Or Nothing Worthwhile Will Catch Up To You

Its been 8 days since my last post. Damn it. I told myself that i would post stuff on this thing everyday. Well too late now. Anyway i have nothing new to say really. Nothing exciting happens anymore. Hailey is still annoying. I had some problems with Kelsey. (its all better now i suppose) Regina is getting more and more snarky and snappy everyday. The other day Mia told her that she should sing for our talent show thing so we can raise money for finanical aid for our school and she was like no and got all up in Mia's biz about it and was like yelling and i thought that she was about to hit someone. I mean shes good! No good doesn't cover it. She's AMAZING at singing and she knows it so i dont know why she would get to snarky about it. She's been singing infront of over 100 people since she was 11! and there's only going to be like 40 people there. Maybe. Whatever. Personally i think that Hailey is spreading her disease on her. Thats just my own personal conspiracy theory though... *sigh* Taylor is having some friend trouble and i feel bad for her because she always has problems with her friends. I dont know why she even wastes her time on them. She can do MUCH MUCH better than those shitty people. They suck and i dont like them. Riley, of course, is drifting but i dont even care anymore. Her problem. Ive wasted too much time on making her happy and all she does is just brush it off so whatever to her. And MaryKate. Well im about to pop her head off right now. We have feild day coming up and shes captain for basketball and all she does is complain about how she doesn't even know the rules and then whenever someone offers to take over for her shes all like "oh no its fine i'll do it." and its like what the fuck? and then she just goes off and says how all the girls should go out and by the pink nike shorts that everyone in the world has and they're not exactly the cheapest things in the world either for everyone to get!!!! And i always have really good snackies so i share with anyone who wants any and shes ALWAYS taking my food and taking it by the handfuls too!!!!!! and then the second i ask for a piece of gum she gets all in a tiff and is like "no i only have one piece left"(she's lying everytime she says it) and then she goes and gives it to Carly and they munch all day!! she is SUCH a moocher!!!!!! Taylor gives everyone her gum all the time!! She opens a new pack and shes done with it by the end of handing it out to everyone. She SHARES like the rest of us. And today when i had gum that was really good might i add, i said "oh no i only have one piece left" and she was like :( with her face and her and Carly were like "oh we'll split it" and i was like "UH NO! i have ONE piece left and its for ME because i got it yesterday!" and they just gave me a weird look and walked off. Like are you shitting me??????? Of course i was lying but with good reason!!
And really its not even the gum that bothers me its just the fact that she just expects everyone to give her everything and then once someone asks for something in return she just shuts them out saying she "paid them back already" and shit like that. Its unbelievable!
How in the hell does Carly put up with it??
Can you tell im in a crappy mood?
That obvious?
Anywho...today was rainy day carpool and my mom was running late so i went into aftercare and then i left after like 10 minutes and then later Mia texted me saying Joshua had a lisp. and i was like "whaaa??" and she said yeah. And then i thought: "well hey, thats weird, Samson has a small lisp too!" so then we came to the conclusion that i am somehow attracted to lisps.
Thats all for now.
Im going to watch the office and eat ice cream now.
Pip pip cheerio
V

All The World Is Birthday Cake, So Take A Piece, But Not Too Much

Today is my birthday. Im 14 and i feel 40. Its just all so weird to me that ive lived and breathed and been a part of the human race for 1 2/5 of a decade. CRAZY!!! Anywho, it snowed today on my birthday and my math teacher Sandy let us go out and run around in it for like 10 minutes but it was really wet and cold so we just kinda went inside after like 2 minutes. And another thing that happened today was that pretty much all of my friends did something for me. Except for Riley. Well i didn't really expect anything from her because we're not really besties or anything but i dont know. I just found it kinda weird. Kelsey was the most generous today though. She made me a GIANT chocolate chip pancake, (not nessecarily to be eaten but it has sentimental value. but thats another story for another day...) she made me a batch of red velvet cupcakes, and chocolate chip cookies (which were extra crispy (just the way i like them!!)) and she made me a GIANT poster as a card. Mia made me a cute little sign for my locker along with Regina, Hailey and Carly. Hailey made me brownies, and Carly made me cookies. Taylor made me brownies and MaryKate did too. So there was some serious food overload (if there is such thing!) but i just felt really special today. Not just because it was my birthday, and the fact that nothing can go wrong on birthdays but just seeing how everyone gave me something or made something for me and ran up to me in the hallway and gave me big bear hugs, and even having the people who i dont hang out with ever or even make small talk to say happy birthday was just so heartwarming. I dont think anyone exactly knew how much my thank you's meant.
If you were to ask me if i thought i was popular, i would say no. If you were to ask me if i thought everyone knew me enough to say hi to me, i would say ehh, maybe. If you were to ask me if i thought people from other classes whom im not friends with at all would tell me happy birthday i would say never. I get by with people at school. I have my super close friends, i have my other close friends, i have aquaintances friends and i have people who are just there. I feel like i just blend in. Im not really one to go out and make friends randomly. I go to a small school. The people who i went to kindergarten with are the ones that are still with me in my classes and are the ones who are going to be standning next to me on the graduation podium. I GET BY. Im a social person (at least i like to think so) and i dont mind being nice to people. Its just the fact that i felt so popular today and i felt like a movie star. I felt like nothing could stop me. And nothing did. I got a 100 on my math test. I got the highest grade in my entire lit class on my lit quiz. I was handing out baked goods like freaking Willy Wonka! I just felt so bright and happy and special and this is one birthday that i wont forget.
Ever.

Defer No Time, Delays Have Dangerous Ends

My god has it really been 6 days that ive missed out on writing??? I know i just posted something but thats been sitting in my drafts for quite sometime. Anywho... updates updates updates:
Joshua did not come to the valentines day dance (praise jesus, mary and joseph!!!) neither did Samson (another praise jesus, mary and joseph!!!) and so that was all good though. But something else did happen:
It was a pretty crappy dance, not very many people and i felt VERY over-dressed but whatever. Anyway... a kid in my class Nathan (who is a TOTAL sweetie pie and just a really nice guy, he's like the only one who has manners and isnt perverted. (whoo whoo!) and i love him but not like THAT!) well he gave me a rose. A deep red rose that was all pretty and nice and he gave it to me which means that he likes me because you dont just randomly hand out roses to girls, werid!! Anywho he gave it to me kind of sheepishly, i guess he was just sort of embarrassed or nervous or something but he gave one to me and but i saw that he had another one in his hand and at first i thought that he and Ike (his bff) were handing them out to all of the girls in our class but Kelsey didn't get one and neither did Mia. So i wonder who the other one was given to... hmm....
But then once i got thirsty (keep in mind this is still at the dance) i went over to the table with the drinks (he and Ike are on dance committee so they have to man it) and Ike saw me holding the rose and he points to it and goes "Nice rose" and im just like "Thanks" and then he gives me my drink and he gives Kelsey a drink and we're just standing there sipping away about a foot from the table and Nathan comes up to stand next to Ike and then Ike leans over to him and says "She still has your flower" and he points to me. Well im in plain view of him and im not blind either so i see and im like "What?" meaning why are you pointing at me? and he just points to my flower and looks at Nathan and then i just sort of shrug and smile awkwardly. I dont know it was just SUPER weird.
But then once i got home i left the rose on my white dresser and i went to bed. I was tired and my legs hurt and i just wanted to go to sleep. Then like yesterday, NO MONDAY i checked my email and i saw one from him having the subject as "Hey". I proceed to open it. And it says "Whats up?" i respond nicely saying "oh nothing much just chilling. You?" and he says "Same. Did you have fun at the dance?" WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT???????????? so i wrote back "Yeah it was ok. It wasn't the best but it was alright. It could have been better if there had been more people." No response yet but i'll let you guys know. But i think that the only reason he's emailing me is because he likes me and also because i email his friend Cole A LOT!! like we're in the 300's. And i dont know maybe he's jealous and he wants us to have that or whatever. I dont know!!!! Im SO confused!!!!! I mean i like him but not like that. I think he's SUPER nice and sweet and everyone thinks that too but i just dont like him in the same way that he might like me and i really hate breaking hearts and i dont think i could stand breaking his but what am i supposed to do???? Lead him on?? NO WAY JOSE!!!!!
Let me know what YOU think...

P.S - Oh and this week is winter break in my school and that means that i have thursday and friday off and all of the weekend to fill with shannanigans. But the thing is Kelsey is kidnapping me to Florida for the weekend and im going over to her house tomorrow and then thursday morning we leave bright and early so im going to be without computer access let alone BLOG access so i'll try to let you guys know how the trip went and any new updates on my life on Monday. Sorry!!
Love you all! Muh Muh!! (<-- those were smooches btw)

When You Find An Annoying Person With Paper Cuts...

You break someones heart. Thats what she did. Hailey broke Jacobs heart and she doesn't even give a shit about it. Mia told me that she did it over email or something and i just thought that was mean. She'd already been stringing him along for a while now and he really did care about her! She should at least have the decency to break up with him in person. But alas, that would only happen in an imaginary world. *sigh*
I just feel bad for Mia now. Hailey is already super flirtatious and she just doesn't understand that its irritating and its not right. She broke Jacobs heart and then Mia proceeded to tell me that he was SUPER sad and really depressed and whatnot so i dont know... I guess he's better now but who knows? He might just be trying to hide it. But i just feel bad for him because he really liked her and she doesn't even give a shit. He tries to still be friends with her but shes not having it!!!!!!!!!! She's just being rude and inconsiderate to him and i think thats just mean. If i was her, i would still try to be friends with my ex-boyfriend. Because he was her FRIEND FIRST. priorities, priorities.... tsk tsk tsk
Oh and since when does Nicky, (the cool kid thats actually a total douche bag but hey, thats just me. He was on and off with Alex Clarke for like 6 years even though hes only like 12. Still Alex gave him a status and i guess he just kissed it good-bye) hang out with Hailey, Frances, Lorato, Jacob, and all of those other people???????