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There's no other way of saying this...

I'm moving my shit to TUMBLR!
its waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better and funner and yeah. i'll still keep this account incase something doesn't work out. But here's hoping. Its all set up and running so the address is: just kidding. i keep changing it so ill let you know asap
ill move all of my stuff to there so dont worry about that and yeah.
wow is sounds like im in a relationship or something. like im moving in with a boyfriend.
why must boys be in everything?
anywho yeah. ch-ch-check it out ASAP PLEASE!!!!!!!!!! and tell your friends to read my stuff. just kidding. you dont have to. its just that i only have one follower and i know i have another person who reads this shit and who knows if other people read it and just dont follow, idk. i just feel sorta pathetic.

For Some Moments In Life, There Are No Words

So, again, i haven't been on here in a while and the weird thing is, with what im about to write and what you're about to scroll down to, has so much to do with my post about my bird. Quoting myself: "...well what if this means that Lillian and Stella will drop dead soon?"
On Saturday, May 1st, 2010, i had to put my cat, Lillian (lily) down. Unexpectedly. Here's why:
So on Saturday, i woke up and Lily came into my room, crying her annoying little cry, and so i just walked out of my room and went downstairs to check my email and when i came back upstairs, i saw her laying infront of the fireplace, all sprawled out, with her tounge sticking out and drooling. I fell onto the ground next to her and saw that she had a compleatly glazed over look on her face, her eyes wouldn't even focus. So i ran into the kitchen, grabbed a paper towel and started wiping her mouth and then i brought her some water and tried to get her to drink it but she would't (She's always so stubborn) Then i saw that her breathing was really shallow and since my dad was sleeping, and my mom was out shopping for food, i just decided to call her. She would know what to do. So i call her, and when she finally picks up, im already in shambles. I say "Mom, something is wrong with Lily" (then i proceed to list the above observations) and then she says that she's on her way.
When she comes home she runs over and see's Lily has moved over to the corner near the thing that holds the TV and pictures and junk and the basement door. She asked me to find the number of the animal hospital that she goes to while she drives home but the animal hospital was closed. So then we had to find another local one and we got the number and said that we where coming in with an emergency and they said that they would be waiting there for us. Then we got Lily into her orange cat pillow (for real its shaped like a cat, complete with wiskers and a tail) and we jumped in the car. All the while her lifeless body wasn't even supporting her little head so i had to do it for her. All the drive there, i saw so much road kill. I knew it was an omen. Now normally i dont believe that kind of shit but this time it was real. And earlier when i was on the floor with her, it came into my head, the idea that i would have to put her down today. I dont know how/why it did but it just flashed into my mind. So when we got there, they stuck us into a room and the doctor came in a checked her (she was Irish, i liked her voice) and said that she wanted to do some xrays so we let her. By now my mom and i were both swimming in our tears. When she came back, Lily was no where to be seen. The look on the doctors face was expressionless. She came in with the xrays and showed us what was going on in that little fuzzballs body.
Long story short, something had burst inside of her that allowed air to come in around her lungs but not actually in her lungs where they should be. So since there was air around her lungs, her actual lungs couldn't expand to let air in, leaving her incapeable of breathing. The doctor said that it can happen very suddenly and that was obviously the case here. Then she said, thats the only diagnosis that i can give you, and i dont even know if its right (but it was, we found out later) and they could take out the air but they dont know if it could even fix her or if it might come back. And she said that Lily was really scared and uncomfortable and she showed us how much it would cost to do the air reliefe thing and it was VERY expensive so we had no other choice, but to make her happy and put her down.
We said goodbye one last time, my mom and i both a complete mess. Then the nurse walked off with her and i'll never see her again.
By then my black tanktop was covered in her hair and we exited the office, having nurses with frowney faces looking at our red, puffy ones. And i was holding the pillow that was full with a living, breathing, animal. An animal that i loved so much more than i could ever explain.
Later that day i had a soccer game, we won 4-0.
I also went to Nathan's party, to get my mind off of it all. It was fun too. But i was still sad.
Afterwards i went over to Kelsey's house, we stayed up until 5 in the morning and watched saturday night live. I felt like shit for leaving my mom at home alone, probably crying her guts out. Can't blame her, Lily meant everything to her. She was her favorite.
So right now i dont even know how to end this. Im crying like a baby, i cried myself to sleep last night, thats why i was so out of it/weird today. Im still wallowing. I wont get over it anytime soon, knowing me. Im just even more upset with the fact that my other cat Shadow died on May 15th 2009, almost a year ago. We had 4 pets on May 14th, 2009. 3 on May 15th, 2009, 2 on April 15th, 2010, and now 1, present day. It just makes me scared for my Stella girl. How we can go from 4 pets to 1 in less than a year. Its scary.
P.s - i never put my black tanktop with Lily's hair on it in the washer. And i dont plan on it, either.

Sometimes I'm Confused By What I Think Is Really Obvious. But What I Think Is Really Obvious, Obviously Isn't Obvious.

Confusion. I suffer from a serious case of confusion. Normally my hunches are spot on, i can predict what will happen and more than half the time, im right. I can predict what relationships will happen and when. I can tell when a guy likes a girl. But thats for everyone else. Not ever really for me. Its hard for me to read myself. Today espically.
I was sitting outside near the entrance of the art gallery at school with Alex and Anna. Nearly the entire jr. high was in the theater, one building over, in musical practice. It was lunch and Kelsey needed to go spend time with Mia (and ex-friend of mine, but Kelsey is still friends with her)so i decided to spend lunch with Alex and Anna. I've known them for almost 10 years (no joke) and we've always been SUPER close. So as we sat outside, the hot sun beating down on us and a slight breeze tousling our hair about our faces, we talk. We catch up, make jokes, have good laughs and eat each others food. Then Kelsey walks down the sidewalk thing towards us. Mia was at musical practice so that meant that Kelsey would be able to have lunch with us. Yay. But then i started noticing that he was constantly walking up and down the little sidewalk thing. That he kept going to the basketball court then to the art gallery then back again, until one time he came out of the art gallery and walked around us and headed towards the green, which was right next to us. He was throwing a baseball with John Michael, a 7th grader and then i lost sight of him, but found him again quickly.
Joshua was laying down on the green next to Shelby. They were chatting. Raianna was talking to them, probably saying how cute they where together and they where probably eating that shit up. Anyway, i noticed them while throwing away my water bottle in the recycling bin (like the good samaratin i am). When Kelsey and i where walking back to class in the last 5 minutes of lunch she was walking on the right side of me so that means that in order to face her i would be facing the green. Which means i would be facing Joshua. I think he saw me looking. He always seems to be looking at me now whenever i seem to look at them.
Is this the voice of a jealous person talking to you tonight? Do i really like him? Well even if i do, school is almost up. He had a whole year. And next year in highschool he's going to be even closer to her so im the one who ends up lucked out.Yet again.
It seems to happen alot, huh?

It's Easy To Cry When You Realize That Everyone You Love Will Reject You Or Die

Thats exactly how i feel today because my bird died today. I've had her for about 6 years, maybe more. She was a blue parakeet. Her name was Honey. Sadness...
I hop into the car. The long school day is now far behind me and my mind is elated with the idea of knowing that i only have homework from 3 subjects tonight. Kelsey is sitting next to me. Her lavender-esque shirt is burning my retinas in the bright, afternoon sunlight. My mom and i are giving her a ride home and so i sit with her in the back because i find it odd when you sit up front and your guest/friend sits in the back. Its awkward. Anyway as we are pulling into her driveway and letting her out i notice that i had been sitting on a wet spot in the back of the car. A water bottle had exploded and i didn't realize. Great, now my shorts where soaking wet. Its like the most uncomfortable thing in the world, sitting with wet clothes. As she got out, she thanked my mother and walked up her long driveway to her house and i moved up to the front seat, hitting my shin on the protruding cupholder. As i buckle myself in (click it or ticket!)my mom starts pulling out of Kelsey's driveway and is heading for the exit from her neighborhood. As she is looking to the left to make a right turn out of the neighborhood she says, "Violet, i have some sad news. And i dont want you to get too upset because we knew it was going to happen soon anyway." All of the sudden my mind thinks of everyone i know who could fall under the category of soon to be dead. My grandfather, although my mom had told me that he was doing extremly well for his age. Our family friend who has parkinsons disease. She wasn't doing too well. I thought it was someone who was important to me but somehow i just couldn't think of who it could possibly be. "The bird died" she said. "What?" i say. I was perplexed. Hoping that i had heard it wrong. "Yeah" my mom said, quielty.
Tears come. Rushing down my face and making my green eyes burn. They come out like a vigerous storm making my whole body shake and making my cheeks searing hot. I start crying. Thinking about how its almost been a year since Shadow died. Now Honey. Then i start to think, well what if this means that Lillian and Stella will drop dead soon? What if they get hit by a car or run away and i never see them again or they get cancer like Shabby. Then i think about people. How one day we're all going to be dead. I get scared when i think about death. Really legitimatly scared.
When i get home i lie down on the floor next to Stella, crying into her long blonde fur, with Lillian rubbing her little face against my neck, trying to snuggle in. I get up from the floor after Stella walks away and i go into the kitchen where Honey's cage was suspended from the ceiling. It wasn't there.
And while looking at the empty space of what was, i didn't even notice that my shorts where still wet.

To Sit Alone With My Conscience Will Be Judgment Enough For Me

My my has it been a long time. I really am sorry. I just dont have anything important to write about anymore. Im a dry well. I have no new fountain of information to spew. Although, i do have some feelings to share about Joshua and Samson.
Lets start with Samson. Recently he has been talking to me more and more over IM like he did when he liked me. But the thing is, is that since we haven't really talked in a while its kinda awkward but i dont know, he's just been more talkative. I dont have to drag out the yes's and no's from him. I dont have to ask him question after question to have a simple conversation. Hell, he talks more than i do! So after we had been chatting for a bit, i consulted Kelsey. Her theory is that he never stopped liking me and that he just likes me even more now and i dont believe that. The reason: Because you cant just always like someone a little bit. Either you like someone or you dont! So i dont know. Its confusing and annoying and slightly frustrating because: I was there the whole time. He knew how to contact me to talk, he knew where my class is he knew everything. And he didn't use that knowledge. Meaning when he liked me he pasted himself to the hallway walls to avoid passing me in the hall. He would walk the other way and avoid me at all costs at school. But he could have asked me out. He could have talked to me. But he didnt. And as much as it hurt to find out that he no longer cared for me (i REALLY liked him. My first major crush/liking someone)i got over him eventually. And now if he does like me again, it sucks because its kind of too late, you know? Like i was there all along and he didn't bother and now hes interested and im not "available" for him anymore. But another thing is that i think i still might like him. But i told Kelsey that i didnt and that i was over him and everything so i dont know if i can tell her oh just kidding,i do still like him. Sigh. boys boys boys. They make your head spin sometimes.
Ok, now to talk about Joshua. He's going out with Shelby Norman, a chick in the highschool (she's in 9th grade) and my question is how did they know about each other? Apprently they've been dating for like nearly 2 months so i dont know. I thought that something was up yesterday while walking to art with Kelsey i saw them sitting on the brick wall and she was doodle-bopping all over his arm. And today he like spent the entire time over there with her. I just kind of found it weird. I dont know why. Maybe im jealous or something but i really dont know. And not to hate on Shelby or anything, but i think that she's just sort of playing him. She's done it to a lot of guys so i dont really know. Maybe the reason why im kinda feeling weird about this is because maybe i like him. I think i did like him at some point and maybe it never went away but maybe i dont. Who knows with my head?
Anywho, i have to go start my homework. And watch SNL. And the office. And do a bunch of other shit.
So pip pip cheerio for now!
xoxo

Learn To Pause... Or Nothing Worthwhile Will Catch Up To You

Its been 8 days since my last post. Damn it. I told myself that i would post stuff on this thing everyday. Well too late now. Anyway i have nothing new to say really. Nothing exciting happens anymore. Hailey is still annoying. I had some problems with Kelsey. (its all better now i suppose) Regina is getting more and more snarky and snappy everyday. The other day Mia told her that she should sing for our talent show thing so we can raise money for finanical aid for our school and she was like no and got all up in Mia's biz about it and was like yelling and i thought that she was about to hit someone. I mean shes good! No good doesn't cover it. She's AMAZING at singing and she knows it so i dont know why she would get to snarky about it. She's been singing infront of over 100 people since she was 11! and there's only going to be like 40 people there. Maybe. Whatever. Personally i think that Hailey is spreading her disease on her. Thats just my own personal conspiracy theory though... *sigh* Taylor is having some friend trouble and i feel bad for her because she always has problems with her friends. I dont know why she even wastes her time on them. She can do MUCH MUCH better than those shitty people. They suck and i dont like them. Riley, of course, is drifting but i dont even care anymore. Her problem. Ive wasted too much time on making her happy and all she does is just brush it off so whatever to her. And MaryKate. Well im about to pop her head off right now. We have feild day coming up and shes captain for basketball and all she does is complain about how she doesn't even know the rules and then whenever someone offers to take over for her shes all like "oh no its fine i'll do it." and its like what the fuck? and then she just goes off and says how all the girls should go out and by the pink nike shorts that everyone in the world has and they're not exactly the cheapest things in the world either for everyone to get!!!! And i always have really good snackies so i share with anyone who wants any and shes ALWAYS taking my food and taking it by the handfuls too!!!!!! and then the second i ask for a piece of gum she gets all in a tiff and is like "no i only have one piece left"(she's lying everytime she says it) and then she goes and gives it to Carly and they munch all day!! she is SUCH a moocher!!!!!! Taylor gives everyone her gum all the time!! She opens a new pack and shes done with it by the end of handing it out to everyone. She SHARES like the rest of us. And today when i had gum that was really good might i add, i said "oh no i only have one piece left" and she was like :( with her face and her and Carly were like "oh we'll split it" and i was like "UH NO! i have ONE piece left and its for ME because i got it yesterday!" and they just gave me a weird look and walked off. Like are you shitting me??????? Of course i was lying but with good reason!!
And really its not even the gum that bothers me its just the fact that she just expects everyone to give her everything and then once someone asks for something in return she just shuts them out saying she "paid them back already" and shit like that. Its unbelievable!
How in the hell does Carly put up with it??
Can you tell im in a crappy mood?
That obvious?
Anywho...today was rainy day carpool and my mom was running late so i went into aftercare and then i left after like 10 minutes and then later Mia texted me saying Joshua had a lisp. and i was like "whaaa??" and she said yeah. And then i thought: "well hey, thats weird, Samson has a small lisp too!" so then we came to the conclusion that i am somehow attracted to lisps.
Thats all for now.
Im going to watch the office and eat ice cream now.
Pip pip cheerio
V